In this post: Allison Sue from Compass My Life is back to share 6 actionable tips to help you stop taking things so personally. If you’ve ever wanted to take control of your own thoughts and feelings then this post is for you!
Today I am honoured to be publishing a guest post from personal development blogger, Allison Sue of Compass My Life. I know you’ll love this post, so let’s dive straight in!
I am a recovering botherholic.
I used to take every little thing personally. At the smallest appearance of a slight, I was easily offended, annoyed, or bothered. Everything negative seemed like a personal attack, so I took it that way.
One second I’d be minding my own business, the next someone would say or do something that had me so upset it would literally ruin the rest of my day.
Someone cut me off?… I was upset.
Someone got mad at work over something completely out of my control?… I was defensive.
A family member didn’t agree with a decision I made for myself?… I was offended.
I lived with this idea that most everyone and everything was out to get me in life.
Let’s just say I had a lot of “bad” days.
I know I’m not alone in this. Over the last year or so, this is the most popular topic I share about.
Why do I think this is? Frankly, we all want to know people love, support, and approve of us. We’re pre-wired to need to fit in with a tribe. We try to pretend we don’t care, but we do.
It is possible to get to the point that you don’t care in the same people pleasing way most of us are raised to, but it isn’t usually an overnight change and is a whole other topic in itself. So for today, let’s just chat about how to stop taking things personally.
1. Know where the negative emotions start
“They made me mad”… I grew up hearing this phrase over and over. Perhaps you did too, or some varied form of it.
Not coincidentally, I also grew up with the belief (and reactions) that said other people have the power to affect my emotions.
At the turn of a second, my mood would go from happy to upset, but to be frank, it kind of got old. Always being bothered and offended… It’s exhausting.
In my early 20s, I discovered a couple of personal development speakers who genuinely appeared to let the opinions and actions of others slide away.
They seemed to live with a certain amount of freedom. Freedom I wanted too.
I started reading books and listening to podcasts from those “free” people. What I learned blew me away.
Are you ready for it?…
We choose how we react to situations.
It seems like a simple idea but went completely against everything I had grown up believing.
Let me explain further in case you grew up with the same beliefs:
Me taking things personally had nothing to do with the other people or situations.
The reason so many people offended me wasn’t because they were out to get me. It was because I was choosing it.
It’s a crazy turn of perspective, I know.
But when I dug deeper, I knew it was true. I was the only common factor every one of the times I took something personally. I was the one feeling the emotions and reacting to each situation.
Which meant I was the one in control of whether I got upset or not.
It was a hard truth to face – to take in – to accept.
But, it changed my reactions and my life.
2. Consider Intentions
While I came to know these things as a truth, the beginning stages of not taking things personally wasn’t exactly a smooth ride. Something that made a big difference though was considering intentions every time I wanted to get mad.
I once heard someone say “people judge others by their actions and themselves by their intentions”.
It’s stuck with me ever since. The truth is most people, especially family members who truly love us, don’t walk around thinking “what terrible thing can I do to them today”.
Most disagreements and negative interactions come down to a difference in perspective or beliefs.
It doesn’t make one side right nor wrong – just different. I’ve started asking myself, “do they truly believe that is what’s best for me even if I don’t?”
Doing this has made a big difference for me.
As for total strangers, my thought process has completely changed there too. I do my best to give them grace because the truth is, I have no idea where they are coming from or what they are going through.
Here’s what works for me:
- Someone is rude?… Perhaps they’re in a dark place after recently losing someone.
- Someone has road rage?… Maybe they’re panicked because if they are late to work again, they’ll lose their job and struggle to feed their kids.
- A customer is sincerely that upset they can’t return the pants they’ve already worn?… There’s a dozen things that could be underneath it, probably related to money stress.
3. Change of Perspective
None of this means we should let people treat us terribly. On the contrary it means we should treat ourselves better.
Remember the whole “they made me mad” thing? As it turns out, believing that other people have the power to affect your emotions means you also believe that you have that power over other people.
As if somehow them getting upset over something you did, is your fault and you need to fix it, even if you had the best of intentions.
I spent so many years shrinking, beating myself up for my “mistakes” and trying to “make” other people happy.
Wow, what a terrible way to treat myself. If you’re doing that too, try this instead:
- A stranger is mad at me?… Did I do something purposefully wrong? No? – They probably have something else going on that has nothing to do with me. This situation simply triggered them.
- A family member is freaking out?… The idea of them taking this same step in their own life freaks them out and they’re projecting their own fears onto me.
- Someone blames something on you?… Is it legitimately my fault? Yes? Take responsibility for the part that is your fault and use it as an opportunity to learn something. No? Something else about this mistake has them freaked out. Probably nothing to do with me.
4. Decide how you’re going to let it affect you
In the past, when I used to be so quick to take things personally, I would let it ruin a whole day.
Then I heard someone explain it this way:
“If you had $86,400 in your account and someone stole $10, would you throw the rest of the money away to get back at the person who stole the $10? Or move on and live? Each of us have 86,400 seconds in a day. Don’t let someone else’s negative 10 seconds steal the rest of yours. Life is bigger than that and so are you!”
This changed everything for me.
So here it is, you get to decide. Are you going to let someone else ruin an entire day, or realize they’re having a bad moment that probably doesn’t truly have to do with you and move on?
If we each individually are the ones who decide how we react to something, it means we are the ones who hold the power to control our emotions. When we let other people make us upset, it means we’re giving the power of our happiness to them.
There’s that saying “they really know how to push my buttons” – which means someone can learn what makes you tick. This idea means they can make you feel whatever they want, anytime they want.
That’s a precarious situation. What an emotional rollercoaster you’re in for – it’s like giving someone the remote control to your emotions and letting them flip through the channels.
Being upset is your decision. It is within your power to make the choice not to get mad. To say that you getting upset or being bothered by what someone else does gives them a lot of power over you.
Go ahead, take your power back.
5. Come to terms with not being everyone’s cup of tea
This one is strangely kind of my favorite. We’ve all had those people who just didn’t like us or get along with us for no apparent reason and it drives us nuts.
Or at least it did me.
“What on earth did I ever do to them?” I would think.
Then one day, it dawned on me that in the same way there are some people I’m just not a huge fan of, someone is bound to feel the same about me.
I have zero anything “against” them but I wouldn’t really choose to hang out with them or let them be an influence in my life. We don’t really click and just have a totally different way of thinking and acting.
They seem nice enough – they just aren’t my cup of tea, as the saying goes.
100% I’m not someone else’s cup of tea. 100% you aren’t either.
I’ve come to terms with it and found a lot more peace. I’m not for them, they aren’t for me but there are a whole lot of other people out there who are. It’s far more worth it to spend energy pursuing those relationships than fighting with the other ones.
6. Check Inward
When all else fails, and I still feel offended, I check inward.
In the same way other people have things going on that we don’t know about that they are projecting into our interactions, most of us have things that have happened in the past that make us a little insecure.
When something happens that triggers that insecurity, we tend to have negative emotions around whatever just happened.
The next time a situation arises in which you feel offended, ask yourself “why?”. Take a moment to pause and figure out what you’re really upset about deep down then work through that.
Doing this has completely changed my life and often I’ve found that what I think I’m upset about is actually something completely different.
Final Thoughts
Taking things personally is a way of thinking. A learned way of thinking, one that was probably passed down or influenced by your environment. No one is just born being easily offended.
In the same way you learned this way of thinking, you can choose to learn a new way of thinking. One in which you stop taking things personally so much.
It won’t be an overnight thing, but it can be a long-term life thing.
It’s so worth the work and the freedom.
You could decide it’s too much effort to change, or you can put in the effort now and live a little freer for the rest of your life.
It all comes down to this: you choose.
I wish you all the best on your journey towards greater peace. My hope is that this post will help you.
Even if for just a moment in time, I truly appreciate the time you shared with me here.
About Allison
Allison Sue is a personal development blogger over at Compass My Life. She is all about living intentionally and taking control of your life with personal development and working towards your goals.
On her blog, she shares insightful thoughts and practical tips to help you take control of your life and change it for the better.
The one thing all of my searching and learning has taught me, is that we all have an inner compass that will lead us to our best lives. We just have to learn to read it and follow the path it takes us down.
Allison Sue
Find Allison at one of the following links:
And don’t forget to check out the interview I did with Allison earlier this year by clicking here!
Did you enjoy this post? Please share the goodness by pinning the image below!
