In this post: Learn why negative self-talk is so damaging & why you want to start avoiding it at all costs, find out 7 ways to turn your negative self-talk into positive self-talk, and see the benefits of using positive self-talk in your life.
You idiot!’
‘Dumb dumb’
‘Good one’ (said in a sarcastic voice)
‘Why can’t I do any right?’
‘I’m so useless’
‘There’s something wrong with me’
‘What’s the point?’
These are a few examples of the kind of self-talk that I used to grace myself with. It was always negative and could easily be classed as verbal abuse towards myself.
You may think that this was a symptom of my generally negative attitude to the world and, while it probably did get that way towards the darkest days of my battle with depression, for a long while it was just directed at myself.
I love being supportive of others and encouraging them with kind words and I enjoy marvelling at and appreciating the beautiful things in life. But while saying words of love to others, I would turn around and beat myself up with the words I was telling myself.
Can you relate?
It is especially easy to talk yourself down when you make a mistake or don’t perform as well as you would like (hello, fellow perfectionists out there!). But all this really does is eat away at our self-esteem and confidence, which does much more damage than good.
I’m all for learning lessons from mistakes made and aiming higher to challenge yourself to achieve more, but there is a healthy way to go about it and then there is the toxicity of negative self-talk.
If you have a habit of saying cruel words to yourself, this post is for you.
Why is negative self-talk so damaging?
It ruins your self-esteem and confidence
What we say to ourselves burrows its’ way into our subconscious and grows. You’ve probably heard the expression that it’s easier to believe one criticism over a hundred praises. If the criticisms are coming from our own self-talk, it is doubly powerful and erodes your self-esteem and confidence like nothing else can.
You put things off and let fear rule you
You start to believe that you can’t do what you want to do and you become fearful that things will go wrong for you all the time. You self-sabotage your mindset and any ‘can-do’ attitude that you might have once had.
It can lead to destructive behaviour
You start thinking ‘what’s the point’ and this can lead to not caring about what happens to yourself or others, or even to thoughts (and actions) of self-harm and suicide. Not good.
I have always talked to myself in a negative way – how can I possibly change that?
When talking to yourself in a negative way is all that you can remember, it can seem impossible that you would ever be able to change things around, but please trust me when I say, it CAN happen and IT IS worth it to try.
I used to feel that there was something wrong with me and that I was a hopeless case who would never achieve much in life. Even when something went right in my life, it either was just a stroke of genius luck or it wasn’t good enough to meet my perfectionist tendencies. I felt like a real ‘Miss Average’, never excelling at anything.
If I can change things around, then you can too. And when you do, it doesn’t mean that you are an egotistical big-head either, just that you are your own friend.
It may take some time and it does require an open mind but you can do it!
Psst! Want a helping hand to guide you towards more positive thoughts about yourself? Then you’ll love my Self-Love Journal with 31 journal prompts to help you see your good qualities and realise that you are amazing, just as you are! Click here to grab your copy now!
How can I make my self-talk more positive?
Luckily, there’s a range of things we can do to start on the path of talking to ourselves positively and becoming our own cheerleaders. Here are some that really worked for me.
Change the script playing in your head
Start to take note of your current self-talk. What do you say to yourself after something goes wrong? What are you thinking about yourself when you hear about other people’s success stories? If you’re anything like I was, it’s not pretty.
The first thing I want you to do is to say “Stop” if you catch yourself saying or thinking anything that you wouldn’t say to a dear friend.
It doesn’t have to be out loud, it doesn’t have to be shouted or said in anger, just a nice firm “Stop” will do the trick. Send your brain a message that you will no longer tolerate that sort of self-talk to yourself anymore.
Then mix it up.
What WOULD you say to your best friend if they are feeling the way you feel? I’m willing to bet it’s more encouraging and upbeat than what you’ve been telling yourself. Say THAT instead.
For example, if I’m telling myself that I’m not good enough to apply for a job, I will say something like “I am good enough. I might have exactly the skills they are looking for and will be a great fit for the position. I won’t know unless I apply.”
Add a healthy dose of love and understanding to the words you say to yourself from now on. Think of yourself as your own life coach, so boost yourself up and stand tall!
Reframe your thoughts
I used to feel like every time I made a mistake that was proof of what a useless person I was and I would tell myself as much using abusive self-talk. Thanks to reframing my thoughts, I can now see that this type of thinking was in no way based on reality, but was my lack of self-worth shining through.
Related Post: How To Overcome Feelings Of Low Self-Worth
What does reframing your thoughts involve?
Let’s use the example above of applying for a job. Instead of telling myself that I’m not good enough and that I will fail. I start telling myself that even if I don’t succeed in getting the job, I will have learnt a lot of valuable skills just from applying (and possibly having an interview) that I can then use in future applications.
By changing my thinking to see growth and opportunities instead of mistakes and failures, I’m changing the tone of self-talk that I use too.
Reframing your thoughts can also be used to deal with negative self-talk about the world around you. For example, instead of thinking that there is nothing good in this world, acknowledge that there are heaps of good things out there, it’s just a matter of changing our focus from only seeing the bad stuff.
Journal It Out
Put pen to paper and get those thoughts in your head out into the open. This can really help with creating new thought patterns.
Ask yourself, what are you beating yourself up about? Is it genuinely your fault? Or are you being too hard on yourself? (psst, the answer to that one is ‘yes’!) Try to look at things realistically and realise that (a) everybody makes mistakes and (b) nobody is perfect. If you have pie in the sky standards for yourself, then it is no wonder that you are falling short.
What can you learn about the experience? Mistakes are part of how we learn and journaling on it can help us to reflect and find key takeaways as lessons.
Is your negative self-talk a result of something deeper than just a mistake? What does it stem from and how can you grow from this? Bad experiences in our pasts make up who we are, but they don’t have to define our futures if we find ways to overcome them or even turn them into positives.
Want to use journaling to help you feel more positively about yourself? Grab my 80-page Self-Love Journal with 31 powerful journal prompts to use in your own life. Click here to grab your copy and get started today!
Work on busting any negative self-beliefs
Along the same lines as reframing my thoughts around life in general, busting negative self-beliefs has helped me to be much more positive in my self-talk.
This is another great exercise to do through journaling – listen to your current self-talk and write down any negative beliefs that come up. Then have some fun by mixing things up and rewriting these beliefs with a positive angle instead.
Here are some examples to help you get started:
Practice mindfulness
By practising mindfulness, you increase your awareness of how your mind behaves and you give ourselves more control over our thoughts. The more mindful of your thoughts that you are, the better you can deal with any negative self-talk that comes up.
Practising mindfulness can be as simple as stopping to notice our thoughts or taking time out to do a few deep breaths to quiet our minds and feel more centred. It can include body scans and meditation, which can also help bring an overall awareness and deeper understanding of ourselves.
If you find yourself getting caught up in your day and feeling more and more negative about yourself and what is happening around you, it can be helpful to set up a reminder on your phone to take a minute or two to check in with yourself and your inner dialogue. (Bonus action: set up the reminder to say something positive about yourself as an extra little boost!)
Meditation
Meditation is a mindfulness practice. It can be a struggle for a lot of people and I must admit that I’m not very good at doing it every day, even though its’ been shown to be very beneficial to us (something for me to work on… ☺️ ).
That said, I did find the meditation that I’m about to describe very helpful in turning my negative thoughts about myself into more positive feelings, so it’s worth a shot, hey?!
- Sit in a comfortable spot on the floor, couch or bed (but don’t lay down or you might find yourself waking up an hour later!).
- Close your eyes and breathe in and out deeply for about 5 breaths. Let any tension drain out of your body on the exhales, then continue to breathe normally.
- Think about something you really love, it can be anything – a person, a place, a thing.
- Let this love fill you up, feel it all the way from head to toe.
- Now imagine transferring this feeling of love onto yourself, so that you are now feeling this powerful love for yourself. Let yourself feel really good about yourself.
- Sit with this feeling for a while and then open your eyes and continue on your day 🙂
Doing this may feel a little weird or uncomfortable at first, but hang in there and it could really turn things around for you!
Forgive yourself
While it’s empowering to think the self-talk we use is completely in our control, it is also important to remember that it takes time to change our patterns of thinking.
When we are making the effort to change from negative self-talk to positive self-talk, we need to not only give ourselves forgiveness for any mistakes we make in our physical actions, we also need to forgive ourselves if we slip up with our internal dialogue.
Sometimes I will be going along so well, using plenty of encouraging and positive self-talk, only to find a powerful negative thought creep in and have it threaten to undo my self-esteem. Rather than get angry at myself for the thought, I have found that the best thing to do is to forgive myself and move on. Dwelling on it only brings up more negative self-talk.
Giving ourselves forgiveness helps us to keep getting better and grow, instead of getting stuck in the past on what we should have done or what could have been different.
What are the benefits of positive self-talk?
To wrap up, let’s talk about the benefits of positive self-talk.
You probably know from past experiences, that having support is a BIG factor in whether or not you succeeded in certain areas of your life. We are WAY more likely to succeed in learning something new if someone shows us a little support and encouragement along the way.
By learning to talk to yourself in a positive way and show yourself some love and encouragement, you are effectively becoming your own cheerleader.
Okay, it may not be as easy and it’s probably not QUITE as fun as having outside support encouraging you on, but becoming your own cheerleader is going to see you gaining some real forward momentum.
All those negatives that we spoke about before start turning themselves around:
-
- Your self-esteem and confidence grows
-
- You are better equipped to overcome fear
-
- You don’t put things off because you’re afraid of making a mistake
-
- Instead of not caring about yourself, you start to treasure yourself and see that you are worthwhile
-
- You have the mindset to overcome hurdles with grace and set yourself up for success to achieve your goals
So becoming your own bestie forever sounds pretty damn good, doesn’t it!
It may take time, but you CAN turn things around by opening yourself to new patterns of self-talk to channel positivity your way.
I hope that you find the tips I’ve given are super helpful in starting your own journey to becoming your own bestie forever and being your biggest cheerleader as you make your way through an amazing life.
Much love,
Sarah xo
**
P.S. Ready to get serious about being kinder towards yourself? Use my Self-Love Journal to realise that you are valuable just as you are and you DO deserve to love yourself! Click here to grab a copy and get started today!
Did you enjoy this post? Please share the goodness by pinning the image below!
If you are currently battling with depression, please know that you can get through this, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. If you are feeling suicidal or on the edge of reason, please reach out right now by contacting family, friends or by using one of the contacts here. Know that others have overcome these dark feelings and are now living lives full of joy. I want that for you too, so please have hope and start your own journey to happiness xo
